The evolution of a thought spiral



Dear you,

It's July. 2018.


I know I haven't written as often lately, but
I'm still here, goddammit.
I'm still here.


Honestly though, it's been getting harder and harder to tell where 'here' is.


Is it the coffee shops?
The support groups?
Home?
And what about the non-physical spaces?
Does my phone count?
Do my thoughts count?


I mean, I've spent a lot of time with those. I think they should count.


If my thoughts count, then I've been stuck in the same few places for a while now. I've been dating my girlfriend for a year, sometimes I think it scares me how much I love her, sometimes I stare at my ceiling and imagine all of the ways our relationship could end; it's not like I want it to, I just can't help myself


Just like sometimes can't stop visualizing all the gruesome ways I could die in a car crash. I can't stop imagining the phone calls and how long it would take for her to get the news (More than 12 hours but less than 24?), I think about what music would be playing when it happened, if I would realize it was happening, who I would think of


What if it was her? What if it was my dad?


Is the heater on? What if that noise I heard earlier was a gas leak? What if it's leaking carbon monoxide? What if I don't get out in time? What if I died here?


Sometimes the hypotheticals begin to feel like inevitabilities,
and don't tell me you can stop a bullet train

My thoughts keep collapsing in themselves like the twin towers, and I'm not sure if I'm gonna get out in time

There's so much to do,
and so much that could go wrong

Sometimes I don't know if it's better to do nothing or something or everything,
but I spend so much time thinking about it to the point that the conclusion seems predetermined

Will I make it to school in the fall? Will I finally be 'ready'? 

Will my classmates figure out that I'm trans, and is it a bad thing that I don't want them to? Why is this something I want to hide? 

I know I shouldn't be ashamed of it, but, it'd make things easier. Is it even a secret I can hide in the first place?

The last time a stranger called me 'sir' was nine and a half months ago, and that was kind of a fluke, but still, like,

How do I know for sure?

I keep asking so many circling questions about who I am and what I want to do and when and how and with whom, and

I'm no statistician, 
but I think it's safe to say there's too many variables