Tuesday, November 7, 2017

...about my sunglasses

Click above to play/pause accompanied post music.

Dear you,

If you find this, I want you to know this is about more than the last time I saw you. This is about more than the beginning and the ending, more than the long drives, the even longer phone calls, and definitely more than the TV we watched in between all that.

This is about you
this is about me
This is about us. 

And I know saying those words in that order makes it sound like a relationship, and it was, just not that kind of relationship. It was platonic. Although, something about that word feels equally unjust. Was it romantic? No. Was it the closest I've ever been to someone? Yes.

This is the third time I've tried to write this, and I'm not sure it will be the last.

I still think about you.

I know this is pretty obvious, but I feel like I need to write it down. I still lay in bed crying. I try to imagine your reaction to this fact: do you feel guilty? Do you care? Do you do the same? I know how insecure that is, but it's the truth. I want to know that you're feeling some of what I'm feeling. That I mattered. I don't know whether or not I did, and sometimes I don't think you know either.

I also wonder if you have a roof over your head, if you're eating. If you're even in Utah. I've thought about going to your work, but I couldn't decide if it would be better if you were there, or better if you weren't.

I still find myself trying to climb out of the thought spirals. I know the relationship was abusive, but I'm constantly looking at individual moments in my head, like, 'Was that gaslighting? Or was that just him? Am I wrong?'

I miss having someone who would call me at 1AM just to tell me the plot of an entire episode of Always Sunny, usually out of order, because he was bored. Sometimes we would talk for hours about nothing. Other times, you would look ahead at the road while I cried. If you were hurting too, it didn't show.

I know it's irrational, but I'm scared I'll never be as close to another person again. You saw me at my best and worst; you watched me change, and I watched you change. It's so rare people change without growing apart.

Maybe we finally did.

If you find this, please tell me if you're okay. I need to know. I'm not sure if I'll answer, but send it anyway.

Also- I left my blue aviators in your car. Keep them, okay?



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