Sunday, May 7, 2017

HOW TO: get on with your life, in eighteen simple steps

Click above to play/pause accompanied post music.


Come out as transgender during senior year in a high school with the highest percentage of active mormons in the world.


Procrastinate calling an endocrinological clinic for a year and a half because you're scared to dial a phone number. (Turns out there's an email, go figure.)


Get super nostalgic about high school, even though at least 70% of it was a complete nightmare. Graduate.


Spend the entire summer aimlessly wandering between friends while simultaneously writing a screenplay about someone who has friends during the summer.


As the weather deteriorates, so will your mental health. Begin irrationally doubting your identity due to your lack of a supportive environment.


After fretting for a year and a half, call the clinic. They will be closed. A week later, call again. They will give you an appointment: October 31st.


Experience poetic irony. You've been wearing a costume your entire life, and you begin taking it off on Halloween. After sitting in the car for 20 minutes, pace in the hallway for 10, then enter the waiting room. Eventually, somebody will take your blood pressure. They will look at the read-out, before glancing back at you and asking, 'Are you nervous?'


Swallow four milligrams of estriol, staring at yourself in the mirror. Nothing should really feel any different. (Yet.)


Don't bother to tell anyone you started hormone replacement therapy a month ago. Don't celebrate at all. In high school, you thought you'd have a team of friends congratulating you, helping you, when this finally happened. Doing this alone will be harder than you thought it would be.


Make the film from the screenplay with a group of friends you'd like to know better. It's the hardest project you've ever worked on, and at times you'll question if this is what you want to do with you life. Eventually, you submit a shitty rough cut to the biggest youth film festival in the world.


Receive an acceptance email from the film festival, and do not believe it. While you're embarrassed about your film, you're also excited you get to go to Seattle.


Go to Emily's mission farewell. Ensure you are hanging out in Emily's room at 1:12 PM. Say hi to Clara. She will write her phone number on a piece a paper, even when you offer to type it. She will accidentally tear the paper. You will accidentally type in her number wrong a week later.


Wait for Clara to invite you to the Pride Center support group. You'll have a great time, and an even better time the next week, because Clara forgets to come, and you'll actually have to talk to people.


Talk to people.


Drive to Seattle for the film festival. After missing the 10:40 ferry, take the 11:25 to Bainbridge island. At 1:14PM, find the old book store run by an even older man. Bryce will ask him where to eat. Go there. After the meal, the waitress will return with you credit cards, and start reading the names off the receipts. First, she'll read 'Ethan..' before looking around the table and seeing only one boy: Bryce. She'll hand it to him, adding 'Well, this is obviously yours!'

After she leaves, Bryce will hand you your card, saying 'it's time to update this.'


Hold you friend's hands tight, as you film begins to play in a darkened theatre. During the applause as the credits roll, you will, for the first time, realize you've made a good film, and that you've been too hard on yourself. You will be invited to other film festivals.


Realize that you haven't just been hard on yourself as a filmmaker, but also in your appearance. Tell your parents you're moving to Salt Lake in the fall, and that you're not going to look like Ethan anymore.


Look in the mirror. Look hard. Ask yourself:

Have I made it?


  1. This makes me so so happy because you are mAKING IT.

    Also, I had no idea what you looked like before this and it's really nice to match a face to a name. Helloooooo Solstice.

    1. Helloooooo. haha I still cringe at any photos taken more than a month ago. But I just realized this is actually the first time I've had my face on this blog so that's progress I guess !

  2. SOL I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. I didn't know you still posted :,) you amaze me.


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