Saturday, November 28, 2015

A (not so) Secret Life




***

It's nice to meet you.
You can call me Solstice.

18 years of depression,
18 years of self-hate,
18 years of late night Google searches,
18 years of 'What's wrong with me?',
and 18 years of not recognising her face in the mirror.

18 years of fake, and it's all over in a mere two minutes and forty six seconds.

So here we are.

For something I've thought about writing for almost 10 years, I'm at a loss of words. So.. I'll start at the beginning.

When I was little, something felt off.

In Elementary school, she was empty rooms at night. In middle school, she was the clothes, and in high school, she was my heart. I was never who they told me to be and I was having feelings I wasn’t supposed to have.

In 7th grade, I knew what I wanted but I didn’t know she was real. In 8th grade I told myself to make her go away, and in 9th grade I fell in love and ignored her even more. Sure – she nagged at me from time to time, but it’s easier to drown on the Titanic if you know how to play the violin.

In 10th grade, my facade cracked down the middle.

I told her. I told her in the only way I knew how. “Do you want to do this?’ she asked. “I believe you.” she said. I hid less and less every day. A few months after that, I made a blog. I chose a name. A name I wanted to be real. I chose her name.  I chose Solstice. Solstice Everston.

In 11th grade, I tried not think about the dark. ‘Don’t think about the dark’ I told myself. I thought about it more and more and came closer and closer than I’d like to admit. (Which is pretty ironic for someone who literally made the We See You video.) But I kept going and going and going, and eventually, I could look around a room know that everybody in it knew me for who I was. I started going by “Sol” around friends and my one life became two, half authentic and half fake. They started to conflict, and I learned they couldn't coexist.

In 12th grade, I bought a one way ticket to Paris. The flight took longer than expected, but I landed. I grabbed my bag and got a car into town.

I'm finally real, finally here. I can see the Eiffel Tower. I can smell the bakeries, hear the music, and feel the truth. 

I'm in Paris now.
(Literally.)



I'm waiting for you.

35 comments:

  1. WOW. Worth the wait, solstice. It was worth the wait. You're amazing at what you do. Serious talent. That video... I felt it so much.

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  2. This is one of my favorite reveals. I had a feeling this was you all along because of the name I had heard people call you sol before. You are such an amazing writer and the video was a perfect way to reveal. I'm jealous that you found paris.

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  3. SO GOOD! Thank you for having the guts. Delilah couldn't have said it better. We're really proud of you.

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  4. You are amazing. Truly. This made me feel so much: you are a beautiful inspiration. I can't express how happy this makes me.

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  5. Oh my heck. Oh. My. Heck. You are so amazing. your blog is and always has been more incredible than I can say. I have always admired you, looked up to you during shows. You make us actors look good. Wow. This reveal hit me hard and took me off guard. You are so incredible. just... wow. And nice to meet you... for real.

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  6. Nice to meet you Sol. Thanks for helping me get to Paris too

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  7. i felt this deep inside.
    ive been looking forward to your reveal since we started, and i am not disappointed.
    this takes a lot of courage, and its nice to meet you sol.

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  8. Dear Ethan/Solstice,

    I'm proud of you. This took a lot of courage. You are a talented filmmaker, writer, creator and everything you make seems to be gold. I'll forever be in your debt for all the work you did on the We See You video. I can't wait to see what you do with the rest of your life. I'm sorry this is sounding less like a blog comment and more like a letter of recommendation.

    You make this class better.

    And holy crap, that Titanic line was UNNNHHHHHHH.

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  9. "it’s easier to drown on the Titanic if you know how to play the violin"

    I've never read a my beatiful line in my entire life.

    You are so brave. And I think that's why you found Paris.

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  10. It's 11:49 and I'm in college and I shouldn't still be reading the creative writing blogs yet here I am

    Crying

    Because this was so brave and beautiful and real and I don't even know what to say other than thank you for sharing your talent with the world

    I can't wait to see what your future holds

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  11. this was amazing. you are incerdibly brave! i loved all of this

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, I got nervous. I just wanted to sincerely thank you, Sol, for the opportunity to work with you on this video. It turned out absolutely fantastic. You're one of my best friends, and I hope it stays that way for a very long time.

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  13. Wow. Your blog has always been my favorite. And that was a super bold move that took a ton of courage! Nice job!!

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  14. So worth the wait. Your blog has been an inspiration. Way to come out and be the real you.

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  15. this is AMAZING. worth the wait, your blog is gold

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  16. I've been waiting two years and it was worth every second. You've amazed me since my sophomore year writing on the Underground and of course did it again just now.

    By the way, I was in a bad place last year and although we've never met you were a huge help to me thanks to We See You and Writer's Paris Underground. So thank you.

    You're brave and amazing and you found Paris.

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  17. I haven't missed a week reading you blog, its incredible. This reveal was absolutely amazing.. Im so glad you are so real, like everyone else has said this was well worth the wait!

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  18. Your bravery amazes me, I could only wish for the courage you have.
    You are a beautiful writer, and I think we could all learn something from you.
    Thank you Solstice.

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  19. this was brave and beautiful and the greatest crescendo of moving blog posts and words that made me feel. you made me feel something.

    thank you for this

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  20. Really good job. I don't know if I could have done that reveal given the situation. Continue to amaze me every time.

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  21. You are so amazing and extremely talented. All I have to say is wow. And your video was absolutely incredible.

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  22. NO WAY! You are soo good I love your stuff and this video was bomb af!

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  23. Incredible video and incredible human. Thanks for being so real

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  24. this was incredible, you found yourself, you found paris. your video is amazing, and so is your blog, and so are you!

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  25. I'm so proud of you! How very brave and I'm sure you will feel happier now that you can truly be you. You are one of my all-time favorite students. Keep sharing your talents, thoughts, and insights with the world to help it be a better place. We need the extra light right now.

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  26. Wow! You are so brave, and I love seeing you become yourself. I, like so many others, can't wait to see the amazing things you will do with your life. You are one talented person. Thanks for sharing with me.

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  27. blog stalking you again because i love you, and because this post & video make me emotional every time.
    you're brave, and you're beautiful, and i am so so glad that you are my friend.

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  28. stalking blogs and THIS IS INCREDIBLE

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  29. It's 8:30 AM two months after posting this and everything has changed. I still read through these comments and I still don't know how to respond.

    Thank you so much.

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  30. To Sol- you honestly probably dont remember me. i was in creative writing with you my sr year. and i joined the underground after i graduated. i still write today. and i still follow your blog.

    i found this post 5 minutes ago and im honestly at lost for words. like you dont even know me but im proud of you. im immensely proud of you. my heart is leaping out of my chest rn because you did something no one would've done. and i write today because of your blog. (honestly lowkey i was jealous of your blog in my class you just always had the best ideas and nelson praised you and i just wanted to be original just like you) you pushed me to write better. and now im pursuing a career in writing and i just want to thank you for it all. be you and travel paris for me. you've impacted me more than you can imagine. all the love. x.

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  31. i still watch this sometimes, & i know this sounds cliche, but i hope life is treating you well ( you deserve it )

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Thanks for commenting! *Awkward high five*