Monday, February 2, 2015

That Depressing Post You Probably Shouldn't Read

Dear Abyss,


I think I'm too close to you.

I keep melting into the background. I can't help it. I feel like a smudge on the mirror that you tried to erase but couldn't quite get the job done. It's still there when you look at yourself. I'm still there.

Just barely.

They say all I need to do is 'speak up' and 'participate' but I've somehow found the audacity to put in my headphones and hope someone notices. There's something romantic about being the victim that can't help it but to get her shoe lace stuck in the train tracks, all the while knowing that part of this is as fake as fasting on Sunday mornings.

My Health teacher always tells us that life's not worth living unless you have something to live for and I can't articulate how much it scares me that I've never even gotten flowers and how I keep writing it on here because I want someone to give me some.

Abyss, I want you to forget about me.

Forget about the late nights and the sad music. Forget about the nooses you put it my mind like milk in the fridge. Forget about the time you spent leaving notes on my doorstep and how long you waited just to see me read them.

Forget about me.

I don't know how it's possible to want to get better but to be scared of happiness because somehow that's just not real enough.

Abyss, I want you too much. I want the pain that reminds me I'm alive. Everybody keeps telling me that happiness is a choice and that I should be myself, yet the two seem to contradict each other but nobody seems to notice.

You're too dangerous for me, Abyss. I'm stepping back from the fire even though I'm already shivering.

3 comments:

  1. That part about being scared to get better because happiness just isn't real enough was the part that got me.

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  2. I really enjoy your blog so far.
    I love all of this. It's real.
    Looking forward to more of this stuff in the future.

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  3. your ending line was so solid. left me wanting to keep reading.

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Thanks for commenting! *Awkward high five*