Monday, September 22, 2014

Momento

Dear Abyss,

I don’t feel seventeen.

I don’t even feel sixteen. Or fifteen. They they say these are some of the best years of our lives, that this is when we’re supposed to be going to dances and cheating on our boyfriends and making bets and egging houses and getting flowers and skipping Gov and Cit.

And yet here I am, seventeen, with greasy hair and and an iPhone, having done none of these.

It was only a few months ago that I really felt it. That strage beat surging though my veins. I felt alive for the first time in my life.

There’s something beautiful about staring death and well being and common sense in the eyes and saying “Screw you.”

“Screw you, Abyss and well being and common sense. I exist. I’m present in an ever expanding universe. I’m so insignificant yet so crucial to the grand scheme of chaos that I may as well live for nothing but this very moment.”

I may as well live for blasting We’re Not Gonna Take It at an ear shattering volume with the windows down because, screw it, nobody makes it out of this thing alive anyway.

I may as well be honest about my character because tomorrow I’ll be naught but a burnt stub in the ash.

I may as well tell you the truth:

I love this. I love all of this. I love how much it sucks to be alive and how much fun it is to play lava monster on a playground when you’re a seventeen year old girl. Because if my life is just a story, by all means I’m gonna make the hell of it. Every good story has conflict, and I’ve got that covered ten fold.

Abyss, I’m taking a leap of faith. It isn't what it sounds like. It means you're jumping, hoping, that just maybe, you'll land on your feet. You're jumping because it's the best shot you've got. You're jumping because you love the world too much to see its flaws. The things you love are the things that hurt you the most.

And Abyss? Every time I put on that navy blue hoodie, pull draw strings tight and hide myself from the world, it’s in that moment that I can feel you the most. It’s in that moment that I look you in the eyes and say “Screw you.”

Because in that moment, I’m Solstice Everston.

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