Saturday, August 23, 2014

Day 6,182

I'd like to say my eyes opened slowly. 

That the morning light cascaded in through the open blinds to fall upon my peaceful face, the room slightly too cold and just perfect under the blankets. But that couldn't happen.

Because I was under the blankets.

My head snapped up to mute my squealing alarm, eyes squinting painfully. I didn't look down at myself. On the way to the shower, my eyes never once darted to the mirror. 

I've gotten really good at this.

By the time I was finally ready to go, I had accepted that I was going to look like crap today and moved on. I ate breakfast on the plane. I chewed Juicy Fruit so my ears wouldn't pop. It lost its flavor faster than the last time.

Somehow, while everybody else was fine, two jackets and a blanket struggled to keep me warm. I know why, but I'm not willing to change. 

I kept thinking about you. About everything. About how you rip off my heat shields, because I'm a rocket, and things are getting hot in here. I'm afraid you won't understand. I'm afraid the truth will turn our friendship into one of awkward silences and small talk. I'm afraid that if I tell the truth, I'll lose my slim chance. And I know you're empathetic but I'm just too much. I'm afraid I'll burn us up in the atmosphere.

But I'm trying anyway. At first it was scary, but I figure I don't have much left to lose.

That night, I snapped at my mother. My dad glared at me and threatened. I turned away and closed my eyes. It was a mumble, but I swear I heard him say "You need a doctor."

And he's right. 

It occurs to me that I haven't said I love them in quite a while. Told anyone, really.
Here's a reminder:

I love you.

2 comments:

  1. I constantly have moments that I realize I too need a doctor.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I kept thinking about you. About everything. About how you rip off my heat shields, because I'm a rocket, and things are getting hot in here. I'm afraid you won't understand. I'm afraid the truth will turn our friendship into one of awkward silences and small talk. I'm afraid that if I tell the truth, I'll lose my slim chance. And I know you're empathetic but I'm just too much. I'm afraid I'll burn us up in the atmosphere."

    That hit me so hard tonight

    ReplyDelete

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